I DON'T LIKE RAFAEL NADAL

I don’t like Rafael Nadal. I’m sorry, I just don’t. There are going to be a lot of angry responses to this entry because a lot of people DO seem to like Rafael Nadal. But I don’t. Why? Well let’s start from the beginning. Way back in 2002 (or possibly 2003), the U.S. was playing Spain in the Davis Cup. Now while I’m not interested in verifying this, I remember Nadaley being like 17 years old. He was playing for the Spanish team – and somehow this 17 year-old kid BEAT both Roddick and Fish to win the tie (in Davis cup a match is called a “tie”. Just one more attempt by tennis to alienate as many potential fans as possible). A SEVENTEEN YEAR OLD! Heck, why didn’t they just field their Jr. High team against us? Now this was around the same time when people thought Roddick had potential and was just going through a little post Grand Slam Champion depression. Nobody knew at the time that this was the real Roddick, and that the guy who won the U.S. Open was the anomaly. So I was pissed that Roddick was such a wuss that he would lose to a 17 year old, and I was pissed that this 17 year old disgraced our country (you know, because when the average American thinks about what defines our country – tennis and Davis Cup are at the top of the list).

Now that Nadaley was on my radar, I started to follow him. Americans are notoriously bad on clay, the surface we lost in Davis Cup on, so maybe this guy was just a flash in the pan. Apparently I was wrong, because in either that or the following year, Nadal was playing for the French Open championship. And he brought along with him… his Capri shorts. Now THIS was the true beginning of my hatred for Nadal. The guy wore shorts that WOMEN wear. Yeah yeah, I know. He comes from Spain. There are cultural differences and such. Blah blah blah. I DON’T CARE! The guy was wearing girl shorts! In my mind that made him a girl, no matter how irrational that sounds. And as he bounced around the court and people like Most Annoying Announcer Ever Mary Carillo fell in love with his “energy” and his “toughness”, all I saw was a little girly man that had weird strokes.

You see Nadaley is not as talented as a lot of people think. He simply benefits from the fact that there aren’t a lot of players out there like him. He loops the ball up with impossible spin, disregarding all form and manner you’re taught as a junior – then on TOP of that he's a southpaw - you’re playing against a style that, unless you’re playing him, you never see anywhere else. Couple this with the spin-friendly surface that suits his awkward game, and you’re going to have trouble beating the guy. This is why he gives Federer so much trouble. Even Federer revealed, “He just has a really funny game”. And I think that’s what annoys me the most about Nadaley – he’s not nearly as good as people give him credit for. He’s just lucky his game is so strange. I HATED playing players like this. They’d be up 4-0 before you’d find even an ounce of rhythm against them.

So after Nadal won that first French Open, the newly converted Rafa fans (what an annoying nickname) began coming out of the woodwork. And since everybody knows me as the “tennis guy”, they bombarded me with their take El Matador. When all I wanted was a large pepperoni and mushroom to go, my pizza guy couldn’t stop talking about “that new Spanish guy”. “Did you see him, Chris? He was awesome! He runs down everything!” Now since my pizza guy is 250 pounds, and can't even run down a second packet of parmasean cheese, I don't know how he should get any opinion on another person's quickness. But I listened patiently, bit my tongue, and once he was finished, blurted back, “Trust me, that guy won’t make it past the second round of Wimbledon.” This really depressed Joe The Pizza Guy. He never looked at me the same after that. But it didn't matter. I was right. Nadal lost in the second round of Wimbledon. Another flash in the pan.

And for all intents and purposes, Nadaley was a flash in the pan. He’d win all those pointless clay court tournaments, but couldn’t win on any other surface. We call these players “specialists” and they do not deserve to be in the conversations of great players. Great players win on every surface (Agassi). Of course since tennis desperately needs stars, the media hyped him up. So when he came around to the French again and annoyed his way to the championship, everybody seemed to forget the fact that he was a non-factor in every other Grand Slam.

I didn’t forget.

In the meantime, tennis put more effort into making this guy a star than it would take to actually travel to a star. Because he does steroids he started growing muscles. His boyish features became so cro-magnum like, I originally thought he was the star of those Geico caveman commercials. But his “wild” pre-match routine of running onto the court and bouncing around like a boxer captured the imagination of millions – especially Mary Carillo, who very well be the most annoying person in the universe. But then something happened. Something the media wasn’t expecting. Despite all their hype, despite all their adoration… Rafael, surprise-surprise, didn’t have a personality. In fact, he was so boring, that his 2 minute post-match interviews were approved by the FDA as sleeping aids. God was the guy dull. And I’m sure there are many of you who will rush to his defense claiming, “English isn’t his first language!” You know what, it isn’t Novak Djokovic’s first language either – but he seems to have a pretty easy time displaying personality, doesn't he? So what that left us with was an annoying caveman, who only wins on one surface, who wears girl pants, who takes steroids, and who doesn’t have a personality. Gee, sign me up for the future of tennis!

Ultimately, it is Nadal’s reluctance to play a traditional game that will doom him. Big loopy unorthodox strokes put a lot of strain on your muscles and leave you incredibly susceptible to injury. And since Nadaley likes to run around til his feet fall off, he’s got a lot more mileage on those shoes than other players his age. He is a walking injury magnet. And if I understand correctly, it’s already starting. Isn’t there something wrong with his foot? What is he, 22? 23? The guy just got smoked (and I mean SMOKED) by some dude who’s more of a boxer than he is a tennis player. Look for him to MAYBE pull off a final French Open (although I think Federer will win it this year) and then fade into obscurity as another European who could only win on clay. People will say, “Whatever happened to Nadal?” And I’ll be right there to answer, “Who cares?”

I’d love to write more but you should really GO OUT AND HIT!